A part of the assembly line.

As children we are told to hold onto our dreams. Films and television shows tell us how life will be when we conform to a life that society wants us to have and once our source of entertainment ends, we sit back and say “I’m not going to let that be me. I won’t be confined to a small office or a job that I don’t even like”. Yet as we get older, we find ourselves becoming the person we told ourselves we will never become. Our lives are no longer written or determined by us but by the bills we have to pay, the house we must live in, and the basic necessities we need to survive.

Upon figuring out that I was going to keep my minimum wage job as waitress once seasonal was over, I found myself realizing that I may have to sacrifice the one thing that is been bringing me joy; volunteering for the local theatre in my county. With the ability to watch free performances and earn a good twelve dollars per performance, I could have not been happier. It seemed like every thespian’s dream to be paid to watch shows.

A couple of weeks later, I took a look at my upcoming schedule for the theatre. Realizing that all of my Saturdays have become occupied with shows. Although this isn’t technically considered a “bad thing”, especially since I volunteered at the theatre to keep myself busy. I began to notice my work schedule also surrounded itself around the same days and times as the shows.

At first I did not think much about my situation, I would simply ask my manager if she could switch my work day or ask my co-worker if she would be willing to switch days with me but as my Saturdays began to build up, I began to wander if volunteering for the theatre was a good idea. Was I honestly contemplating on giving up my source of happiness so I can continue to earn eight dollars an hour with the occasional tip? Much to my own surprise, I was. I had chosen the money. Without a second thought, I chose the job I care little to nothing about rather than something I would jump at the chance to do every day of my natural born life.

I feel myself becoming that person I told myself as a child to never become. I am settling for a job simply because I feel like there will not be anything better. Although I do know how ridiculous that sounds since the only bill I have to pay for is the damn $25 cell phone bill every month. I feel like I am in desperate need to have the money and “stability” that I have convinced myself to have that comes with my job as a waitress.

Am I so foolish to believe that at nineteen years old, I have convinced myself that I can not continue to do the things that make me happy but may seem meaningless to society? Is this what being an adult is? Converting myself to become someone I do not want to become. If at nineteen I am already willing to give up on something that may be considered my source of happiness, what will I be willing to give up in the near future?

Whatever decisions I make now can affect my future but am I truly willing to ruin everything to be me?

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